Bleh

I just can’t get my shit together. I feel like I’m failing in every avenue I go down. I can’t keep up with housework, working out, showering, appointments, and most recently… my mom’s birthday. It was yesterday. And I didn’t remember. And now I feel like shit. A big bag of shit. It feels almost impossible to be happy sometimes.

My mom was the dearest thing in the world to me. She still is I guess. I feel I’ve been so selfish lately that I can’t even remember this one important thing. I feel like I can’t win, I wont win, ever. It’s so depressing that I’m so depressed. The irony.

I miss my mom so much and yet I feel as though she were never actually here. Like I’ve been imagining her my whole life and made up this perfect tale of a mother. Like, her being in my life for 23 years didn’t actually happen. I can’t remember what it felt like to have her in my life every day. All of my good memories of her are wrapped in anger and grief and I can’t seem to untangle them. Like when your necklaces and bracelets get thrown together while packing and you spend hours and hours trying to find a starting point to unravel them and yet you make it worse and worse. I want so badly to feel truly happy again. Feel fulfilled. Like my life has significant meaning. Yet it feels as though I’ve been trapped in my head for 5 years.

I want to be unaware of all this sadness. Unaware of the pain. This mind numbing, monotonous life. Ever unchanging. Until you realize everyone around you has moved on. Maybe moved on isn’t necessarily the correct phrasing but, they’re unaware of your awareness, and don’t have the means to process it.

It’s tiring. Exhausting. Feeling so “woe is me” all the time. I’m bored of myself but I can’t seem to change my habits and behavior. I have no external motivation, which is what drives me. No goal. I know I could make them and achieve them just as well, but my lack of motivation out weighs everything.  

I do feel hopeless sometimes. Except, I know that I will have better days and better things will come to me. I’d just like to know when.